Turn Left And Die

Thearnlephed* and I had had enough. For far too long we had been blamed for the ills of the world, and we were determined to put an end to it (The accusations, not the world). Everywhere we went we would hear the same tired, old accusations.

“I see THEY’re putting petrol up again.” Or “THEY’ve caused another oil slick on the coast of Newfoundland.” Or “THEY say it’s bad for you.” Or, the most common of all “You know what THEY say?”

Well now it was our turn. Time to put those moaning Minnies to rest. Scotch those rumours. Control the pests of hearsay. From now on the boot was going to be firmly fitted on the other foot. Our foot. Feet. Yes, it certainly was going to be a lot different from now on.

I turned to Thearnlephed and smiled. He turned to me, also smiling. We both knew that we were on the edge of some momentous event. An occasion that would irrevocably change the world forever. A time in history that would define history itself. Something dead good. Our plans had been prepared for several weeks now, and so meticulously scrutinised for flaws and errors that we now had the Koh-i-Noor of plans. Nothing could go wrong. Nothing could prevent us from achieving our aims. Everything had been rehearsed so many times that it all seemed second nature to us. The plans, our actions, the script. All were perfect. So perfect in fact, that it was impossible to get a razor blade between them. And now the time had arrived to put all of those months of painstaking labour into practice.

It had all started many years ago when Thearnlephed and I began our apprenticeship on exactly the same day. I smile now as I marvel at how fate threw us together then, as we unsuspectingly embarked on a journey that would lead to the greatest event ever witnessed by mankind.

*‘Th’ as in Thomas. ‘earn’ as in urn. ‘le’ as in blethering. ‘ph’ as in organo-phosphates. ‘ed’ as in t.

First written 1998-04-02

In the late 1990s, me and a friend would challenge each other to write something by simply giving each other a title and nothing else.
This is the result of the fourth round.