The Day Of The Missing Knight

A play

Entitled: _____! The Day Of The Missing Knight

M. Robert Gibson, D. Edmundson, J. Wright (c) 1978

Narrator (Herbert Plonk): Hello ladees and crentlemen. Direct from the pen of a script writer, we present Ink! Or otherwise k-nown (pronounce the K) as a Play ta-ra Entitled ta-ra (bit higher) The Day My Plastic K-nees Got Woodworm or ta-ra (even higher) In Search of the Missing Year but just to make it shorter and save space, we entitled it ta-ra (as high as can get) The Day of the Missing Knight ta-ra.

From flight 252.536 and a quarter pound of onions. Direct from the middle ages, we present a person.

Person: Hello. By dabe is Sire Coadindenobe and I hab a Fred. No no I meab vice-versa.

Eddy: Hello Sir Vice-versa.

Sir Fred: Hello again

Narrator: Yes Hello (ad lib with Hellos) This story is about someone pinching Sir Fred

Sir Fred: Oooh!

Sir Fred: Yes, I was walking along when suddenly…

Narrator: We apologise for the loss of Sir Fred, but he was just about to tell us about how he was stolen, when someone stole him. (mumble). We now need someone to find him.

Jim: I will do it. Ny mame is Fred. Or Albert Splingeworthycrumpet for short, but most people call me Jack.

Eddy: I’ll call you Jim then.

Jim: Don’t be stupid. Every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Jim. I will find Sir Fred with the help of my little freee-end.

Eddy: I didn’t know you had a little free end.

Jim: No it’s tucked in. No, wait. It’s the scriptwriter’s way of writing friend.

Little Friend: Hellooo. I’m his little free-end.

Jim: Right. Off we go.

Narrator: So they mounted a three-speed, steam-driven, automatic-mounting giraffe and set off for far-away Africa, Afreeca (Ad lib)

Narrator: They arrive in Africa three minutes after the plane landed. (And that’s pretty fast for a giraffe)

Guide (African): (Burbles a bit) Welacoom my spotted friends. Welacoom, oh yes, welacoom, welacoom to Afreeka. Oh allelooya. De Camptown Races were neber like dis. Welacoom

Jim: Oh, well my name is Jim and this is my little friend Archibald

Archibald: Hello there.

Guide: Heelo der.

Jim: We are looking for the kidnapped knight named Sir Fred. He was pinched.

Sir Fred: Oooh!

Guide: Well here is an early Christmas pudding with your directions written in the custard. Good luck to your venture and I hope you catch the creeminaal who pinched Sir Fred

Sir Fred: Oooh!

Archibald: Oy coiptun. The first place we go to is the Street of Mmmany Mmmerchants.

Jim: Right. Off we gooo.

FX: Footsteps

Jim: Here we are. We have got to find a person who is selling real imitation crocodile skin handbags.

Merchant: You want a handbag?

Jim: Yes.

Archibald: It says here we want a pink spotted hairy one.

Merchant: Here is one for yooo. That’ll be five shillings, but specially for you, it’ll be a pound.

Jim: I’ve only got a fiver.

Merchant: Well give me that and you can pay the other four later.

Jim: Okey dokey

Archibald: Dokee oak.

Another unfinished radio play from the boys of Odd Tripe. Still heavily influenced by The Goons.