A Pitch Black Room

[a pitch black room]
Man.
Amy

Woman.
What?

Man.
Try it now

Woman.
Hang on, I can’t get my fingers round it.

[pause… F.X. click]

Woman.
No. No good.

Man.
I’ll take it out and try it in another position, then

[pause]

Woman.
Are you ready for it?

Man.
I can’t get it in. It’s too fiddly [pause] There, that’s it

Woman.
Righto then?

[click…pause]

Man.
Ah no. It’s fallen out.

Woman.
Let’s change over. I’ll have a go.

Man.
[irate] no, it’s all right, I can do it.

Woman.
[irate] Well do hurry up, my knees are hurting.

Man.
All right, it’s not easy after a few pints, you know?

Woman.
[authoritatively] Well let me have a go then.

Man.
Look, I can manage. It’s only small, you know?

Woman.
Well, if you think you’re capable.

Man.
I am [pause] There. Try it again [click… pause] Sodding hell!

Woman.
Right! I’m not staying like this all night. You can come down here for a change.

[soft sounds of movement]

Man.
Maybe I should have tried it with my coat off.

Woman.
[exasperatedly] Maybe. Well, where is it?

Man.
There. Have you got it?

Woman.
Yes [pause] Well no wonder it won’t stay in. It’s too small.

Man.
What do you mean ‘too small’? There only is one size.

Woman.
Ah no. I know what it is. This thing is too big. I think all your fiddling around has widened it too much. If… I… just… There. Try it now

[click. on comes light to reveal man at table lamp and woman near plug with screwdriver]

Woman.
Thank God for that. Now, how about a shag?

The End