Interviewer.
Ah! good morning Mr er.. Simpson, is it?
Applicant.
Yes, that’s right. Good morning.
Int.
Please, sit down.
App.
Thank you.
Int.
Now, do you know much about employment training?
App.
Well, no not really.
Int.
I see. Well basically it’s a scheme set up and financed by the government. It is really designed for those people out of work who want to get back into work, but don’t have the relevant skill, experience or qualifications.
App.
I see.
Int.
Employment training is all about catering to the individual’s needs. What that means is that you tell us what kind of job you would like, and we will try and arrange it for you to get experience with an employer who will train you in specific skills. Usually you will be working towards some qualification, such as ‘City and Guilds’, depending on your needs, and gaining experience at the same time. This will mean that at the end of your training, which can last for anything up to a year, you will be able to apply for permanent jobs.
App.
Yes, I see. It does sound like a very useful scheme
Int.
Yeh. So really, the ball’s in your court, as it were. Do you have any ideas as to what you would like to do?
App.
Um well yes. I was thinking along the lines of uh… world famous artist, sort of.
Int.
Sorry?
App.
Sorry, no, um… world famous artist. You know: Rembrandt, Van Gogh… That kind of thing. Well that area if uh that’s possible. Hmm?
Int.
I see. Well… [flicks through papers] you will, I hope, appreciate the difficulties, Mr Simpson. There isn’t really the demand any more for… Ah! You may be in luck. How does fifteen years in rural France painting landscapes, and the like, suit you?
App.
Ahh… France.
Int.
Not just landscapes, or course. You may be called upon to paint a few monarchs and the odd visiting dignitary. Would this fit the bill?
App.
Well it certainly sounds interesting. What training would that involve?
Int.
Training. Training. [looks through papers] Well you get to start a five year course of fine art at the Lyonnaise ‘Armand Trois’, under the esteemed Le Gaude. There is, however, a drawback.
App.
What might that be?
Int.
Well, I’m afraid you must be thrown out after the second term for ‘outrageous behaviour’ and ‘refusal to kow-tow to the conformist attitudes of Le Gaude’. You will receive some support from one or two of your contemporaries, but you will be spending the greater part of your job in dirty rented accommodation, brooding and painting self-indulgent portraits, eventually dying of gonorrhoea… hm. Perhaps not what you had in mind?
App.
[hesitantly] Well…
Int.
Well, no matter. There is one more.
App.
Oh yes?
Int.
Yes. This one is perhaps a little more involved. Your training starts at the ‘New York Institute of Fine Art’. On completion of your course you will move into an apartment in Greenwich Village, the heart of New York’s artistic community, where you will become involved with an underground avant garde neo-surrealist movement.
App.
I see. This sounds more like what I had in mind.
Int.
Good. However I feel I should point out that this scheme also has some minor drawbacks.
App.
Oh dear!
Int.
Oh nothing to worry about. They are, as I said, only minor.
App.
And they are?
Int.
Let me see. Ah yes. You will also become involved with the rock business and you will be exposed to hard drugs, cocaine, heroin, etcetera and you will become chemically dependent yet during this period you will produce some of your greatest masterpieces. After a couple of years of being in vogue you will fade into obscurity until you kick the drug habit. You then re-emerge, in Los Angeles, as a film director, only to be involved in a fatal croquet match.
App.
I see. Well both have many aspects to consider. Erm, I understand that there’s a training allowance.
Int.
Yes. Let me see now. Ah yes. You will be paid an extra ten pounds a week on top of whatever your current benefit is. You are also entitled to travelling expenses, although you do have to pay the first four pounds yourself, but anything over that can be claimed.
App.
I see. And if I have to live away from home?
Int.
Yes. You can claim anything up to fifty pounds a week if you are in rented accommodation.
App.
Ah yes. And when I’ve finished the course, will I be guaranteed world wide fame with the unadulterated adoration of both fans and critics alike?
Int.
Well, that is rather up to you, although if you do complete your training you will stand a much better chance of achieving this.
App.
Well, thank you…
Int.
Oh, just a minute, I feel that I must point out that for you to achieve this universal fame and adulation, you must fulfil one specific requirement.
App.
Which is?
Int.
To be dead.
App.
Dead?
Int.
Yes. Unfortunately the kind of notoriety you wish to achieve can only be attained after your death.
App.
Oh, I see
Int.
But don’t worry. This is fully covered in your training, and on the successful completion of your course you will automatically be awarded this qualification.
App.
Oh, that is good.
Int.
Yes. Now, have you any further questions?
App.
No, I don’t think so. You seem to have covered just about everything.
Int.
Fine. Well if you would like to go away and think about which training scheme you would prefer, here is our telephone number, and if you contact us within the next week, we will arrange a placement for you.
App.
Thank you very much. Goodbye.
Int.
Good-bye.
(c) M. Robert Gibson and T. Martucci
First written 1989-11-08
M. Robert Gibson 