A Play
[Story]
One day, as Santa was riding on his sleigh, he was attacked by robbers, and he was put in a cave.
[Flick]
Leave him there, he’ll be all right.
[Ron]
Okay, come on, let’s get out.
[Dead-eye]
Hold on, what’s the rush? The fuzz won’t be around for a while.
[Story]
They set off, leaving Santa in the cave, until a policeman found him. He took him to the police station where he was questioned by a C.I.D. man, and once they had their description they sent out radio messages to all places.
In a basement of a house.
[Cleaning woman]
‘Ere, what you lot doing ‘ere? ‘Ey you’re the robbers of Santa, ain’t you?
[Flick]
Hold your tongue, woman, or I’ll blast your head off.
[Woman]
A pop gun won’t do much.
[Flick]
It’s a lot more dangerous than you think. It can kill. Get out your guns, fellows.
[Woman]
A machine gun that fires plastic bullets and a pistol that fires suction bullets. What’ll they do?
[Dead-eye]
Just shurrup and come here. Tie her up, Ron.
[Ron]
Okay.
[Dead-eye]
And tie the rope tight.
[Ron]
Okay.
[Dead-eye]
Finished? Right let’s go.
[Ron]
Okay.
[Story]
The rope was only string and the cleaning lady soon bit her way through it and she rushed to a phone and rang up the police. Soon there was police all over.
[All police]
Mumble, mumble, cough, mumble, achoo.
[Chief constable]
SILENCE!
[P.C.]
Achoo
[Chief constable]
This is the closest we have been to the thieves and now we have all the evidence we need. We will ask the cleaning woman what she saw.
[Woman]
Well, I, er um, sort of came down the, um stairs and saw the, er, men opening Santa’s sack and I, er um, saw the men opening Santa’s sack.
[Chief constable]
You have said that before.
[Woman]
I have, have I?
[Chief constable]
Yes
[Woman]
I saw them opening the sack and one of the men said that he would blast my head off with a pop gun.
[Chief constable]
Anything else?
[Woman]
Oh, yes. One of the men’s name is Ron.
[Chief constable]
That’s helpful. P.C. 49, what clues did you find?
[P.C. 49]
None
[Chief constable]
That is not helpful. Come on men, let’s be going, chop chop.
[Story]
The crooks are by now just about ten miles away, sharing out the toys. They are in a town.
[Dead-eye]
Teddy bear for me, Teddy bear for you, Ron.
[Flick]
What about me? I like bears too. Gimme one.
[Dead-eye]
I would have given you mine, but you snatched it off me, so you can’t have one now. I’ll let you have the only pedal car.
[Flick]
All right!
[Dead-eye]
We can all have two sweetie boxes each, one Action Man each, and, oh dear, there’s a tricycle and an electric motor car.
[Ron]
I’ll have the motor car, brumm brumm.
[Dead-eye]
Oh goody, that leaves me with the tricycle.
[Flick]
What about me?
[Dead-eye]
You’ve got the pedal car, but it’s your turn to take your pick.
[Flick]
Oh good, here’s a football.
[Dead-eye]
Here, Ron, you can have this railway and I’ll have this Santa Claus outfit. Now there is only these toy planes left. We can have one each. There, is everyone satisfied with their toys?
[Flick and Ron]
Yes sir and thank you.
[Dead-eye]
Right now, let’s begone.
[Story]
The crooks left, only to find that the whole town had a cordon round it and they could not escape.
[Dead-eye]
Look like escape plan A. Back to the basement.
[Story]
They emerged a little later dressed as old women and walked to one of the road blocks.
[Dead-eye]
Could you please let us out for a walk?
[Flick and Ron]
Yes, yes.
[P.C.]
I’m sorry madams, but I can’t let anyone through.
[Dead-eye]
Oh, what a pity.
[Flick and Ron]
What a pity, what a pity.
[Story]
They went back to the basement.
[Flick]
That one was no use, got another one?
[Dead-eye]
Yes, I’ll tell you it.
[Story]
Later.
[Dead-eye]
Everybody ready? Right, let’s go.
[Story]
A car went zooming towards the barrier, empty, followed by another car, full. The empty car crashed into the barrier, leaving an open space.
[Dead-eye]
Keep your eye on that gap, Ron.
[Flick]
Over to the left, no the right, no back to the left.
[Ron]
JUST SHUT UP AND… OH NO!
[Flick]
What’s wrong now?
[Ron]
LOOK!
[Flick]
That’s nothing. All that’s happened is that a police car has blocked the gap… blocked the gap. OH NO!
[Ron]
I’ll put on the brakes.
[Flick]
Better still, open the doors and jump.
[All]
Geronimo!
[Story]
Flick and Dead-eye rolled into a ditch, but Ron rolled down into the clutches of the police.
Later, in the basement.
[Flick]
Poor Ron.
[Dead-eye]
Who would have thought that he would be copped?
[Story]
An unknown voice answered.
[Unknown voice]
I did.
[Story]
The crooks looked up and saw…
[Dead-eye]
Cops
[Flick]
Fuzz
[Dead-eye]
This is all we need.
[Flick]
Yeah.
[Person]
I doubt it that I am. I’m one of the Maffia. I am Pepi, and here comes Lairdi, Maloy, Greedy (he’s always eating), Toma, Malley and Ruff.
[Dead-eye]
Pleas-a to-a meet-a you-a. This-a is-a Flick-a.
[Pepi]
No need to speak like that. We don’t.
[Dead-eye]
No? Oh well. I am Dead-eye, the leader of the gang of two.
[Flick]
Aahumm.
[Dead-eye]
Well, sort of.
[Flick]
That’s better.
[Dead-eye]
We used to have Ron, but he was copped.
[Pepi]
We know, because we saw.
[Flick]
Oh.
[Dead-eye]
We’ve done one of the best crimes ever.
[Pepi]
What was that?
[Dead-eye]
We robbed Santa of his toys.
[Pepi]
Who is this Santa? Is he important? I can’t say I know him.
[Flick]
You mean you don’t know who Santa Claus is? Or Father Christmas?
[Greedy]
-Munch- I’ve -munch- heard -munch- of -munch- him -munch munch gulp-.
[Toma]
So have…
[Greedy]
BURP
[Toma]
…I.
[Ruff]
Now you mention him, I have heard…
[Lairdi]
So have I. He delivers presents…
[Malley]
Down the chimney, yes.
[Maloy]
You don’t leave much for me to say for him.
[Pepi]
I see everyone knows him but me.
[Dead-eye]
This will probably remind you.
[Story]
Dead-eye came in with the Santa suit on and Pepi said…
[Pepi]
Marvellous. Now you remind me of him.
[Dead-eye]
Good. Now, as I was saying, we robbed him of all his toys he gives to girls and boys.
[Pepi]
That is indeed a terrible task. I congrad…, no, er conagrag, no, um congradulate you.
[Flick]
Nearly right, but thanks.
[Rublou]
Look out! Ze fuzz are ze coming.
[Pepi]
I forgot to mention Rublou who I left on guard and now he has told us that the cops are coming, so let’s get going.
[Dead-eye]
Quick. Out this coal chute. It leads to a back alley.
[Pepi]
I will check that everyone is here. Dead-eye, yes. Flick, yes. Greedy, yes. Toma, yes. Ruff, yes. Lairdi, yes. Malley, yes. Maloy, yes. Rublou, no. Where’s Rublou?
[P.C.]
At least we got one of ’em, sarge.
[Rublou]
HELP, PEPI!
[Pepi]
Oh no, he’s been caught.
[Sounds]
Rumble rumble
[Lairdi]
What’s that?
[Toma]
Hey. This is a coal chute.
[Maloy]
So it must be…
[Ruff]
Coal
[All]
HELP!
[Story]
They slid back down the chute to avoid the coal. They stood up and saw they were surrounded by police and knew it was the end.
[Ruff]
Oh no.
[Pepi]
Oh yes.
[Flick]
Oh boy.
[Lairdi]
Couldn’t be helped.
[Maloy]
Suppose not.
[Toma]
Aye.
[Malley]
I know where we will go.
[Dead-eye
Yes.
[Greedy]
Burp!
[P.C.]
It’s off to jail for you m’lads. Put out your hands for the cuffs.
[Santa]
Phew! Am I glad to get my toys back.
[Story]
Nearly every story has a happy ending, so why not this one?
THE END
Teacher’s Comments
Good, hard work
(c) M. Robert Gibson
Written 1973-11-29
Disclaimer
This is a school essay.
It was written well before the internet. It is full of inaccuracies and assumptions; bad punctuation; bad grammar and a woeful lack of research, but, it is also a first draft. It was also hand-written in an exercise book, none of your fancy electronic gizmos back then.
And don’t forget, it was written by a schoolboy in a time before political correctness.
It is published here for purely selfish vanity reasons, so read it at your own peril and do not expect any great revelations.
M. Robert Gibson 