Well hello there. Welcome to my mind.
The Latest Offering
By The Nosbigs (Kram and Eyak)
All the Porthesqueue’s friends were at the manor for young Charlie Porthesqueue’s 20th birthday, which would turn out not a happy one.
If you want to find out what the unhappy bit was, read on NEXT WEEK
[pause]
NEXT WEEK, now read on…
[Story]
We join the scene as the guests are arriving
[Butler]
Your coat, please.
[Nancy]
Here you are.
[Butler]
Thank you. Nancy is here, Lady Porthesqueue.
[Lady Porthesqueue]
Oh, goooood eevening.
[Nancy]
And the same to you mitt brassknobs on. Don’t vorget to clean zem.
[Lady Porth]
No, I won’t. Now, I wonder where the others are, they seem to be late.
[Butler]
Texas Teddy (pause) Willum (pause) Frenchy (pause) Winifred (pause) and Nurc Puronisuck Louise.
[Lady Porth]
Oh! I spoke too soon.
[Ling Long Su]
And there’s more where that came from. Wahaay!
[Butler]
And here is Lord Porthesqueue.
[Lord Porthesqueue]
Good mornig, hic! oopsh, I mean evenig everyone, hic!
[Lady Porth]
You’re drunk, AGAIN!
[Lord Porth]
However did she guesh, hic!
[Lady Porth]
We’re all here except…
[Lord Porth]
Charlsh, hic!
[Charlie Porthesqueue]
Yuh wanna bet?
[Lord Porth]
How, hic! mush?
[Charlie Porth]
‘Bowt 200 quid, eh?
[Lady Porth]
Oh stop it you two.
[Lord and Charlie Porth]
Awl right.
[Lady Porth]
Good. Now where is that maid with the grub, er, I mean food?
[Maid]
Sorry I’m late but the cook burnt it twice.
[Lady Porth]
What is for dinner?
[Maid]
Frogs legs and snails.
[Frenchy]
Yum, yum.
[Maid]
Baked beans and beefburgers.
[Texas Teddy]
Yum, yum.
[Maid]
Crispbread and Slimcea bread.
[Winifred]
Oh yummy, yummy, because I am on a diet you know?
[Nurc]
Huh! Get any thinner and you won’t be here.
[Maid]
Chips and cake.
[Nurc]
Yom, yom.
[Maid]
Frankfurters and all the rest.
[Nancy]
Yum, yum.
[Maid]
Lancashire hot pot.
[Willum]
Yummy yum yum.
[Maid]
And Yorkshire pudding and beef.
[The Porths]
Goody gumdrops.
[Maid]
No. Not gumdrops, Yorkshire pudding and…
[Lady Porth]
Oh yes, we know. Now let’s start.
[Maid]
We can’t.
[Lady Porth]
Why not?
[Lord Porth]
Yesh, hic! Why not?
[Maid]
Because we’ve been talking so long the dinner has gotten cold.
[Lady Porth]
Oh! Well ask Clara if she will warm it up then.
[Maid]
Right. I’ll do that.
[Story]
Later. Much later.
[Lady Porth]
Well I enjoyed that. Who else did?
[Willum]
Me. Did you?
[Teddy]
Yes. Did you?
[Lord Porth]
Yesh, hic! Did you?
[Nurc]
Yes. Did you?
[Winifred]
Yes. Did you?
[Nancy]
Ja. Did you?
[Frenchy]
Oui. Did you? Oh gracious, il est dead.
[Ah So Fling]
Aww, what a pity it did not come to my turn.
[Charlie Porth]
Nor my turn eever.
[Butler]
Hey! You’re supposed to be dead.
[Frenchy]
How did tu know?
[Butler]
Oh, er, well you see (thoughts – nearly gave myself away there) Er, well, you told us didn’t you?
[Frenchy]
Oh yes, so I did.
[Lady Porth]
I suppose we have to call the fuzz, er, the Bluebottles.
[Bluebottle]
There is only one of me. Bows to audience. As usual, not a sausage.
[Seagoon]
Yes, thank goodness.
[Bluebottle]
Are you insulting me?
[Seagoon]
No!
[Eccles]
He was really, Blunebottnle.
[Bluebottle]
Oo, hello Encles. When did you get out?
[Eccles]
Tomorrow!
[Bluebottle]
Oo nice for you. Umm Encles, why are your sleeves fastened together?
[Eccles]
It’s my straight jacket.
[Bluebottle]
But it’s twisted, like you.
[Eccles]
Oh thank you, Blunebontle.
[Minnie Bannister and Henry Crun]
Chug chug brrrm brrm whirr clank whizz bang clunk clunk rrrm rrrm cug-a-boom bang click click click clong ftang phnuck.
[Seagoon]
Oo I like your new car, old wrinkled retainer.
[Minnie Bannister]
Are you referring to me young man? Young man are you listening, ying mon?
[Henry Crun]
I don’t think he can hear mnk you crng mnk Min.
[Minnie]
Why not, Henery?
[Crun]
Perhaps it’s because you’re unconscious.
[Minnie]
Well you can hear me and you’re not unconscious.
[Crun]
I am. Look.
[Minnie]
That doesn’t prove a thing and you aren’t.
[Crun]
Of course I am, Min.
[Min]
You are not, Henery.
[Crun]
I am.
[Min]
You aren’t.
[Crun]
mnk, I am.
[Min]
You aren’t, you aren’t, you aren’t.
[Crun]
I am, I am, I am, I am, I AM!
[Min]
No you aren’t
[Crun]
Yes I am aaaah urg mnk unh aa mnk chrg wahh wha wha wha wha I am I am Min
[Min]
No you’re not.
[Crun]
(Heart attack)
[Grytpype-Thynne]
You silly twisted people.
[Moriarty]
Yes, you silly twisted people.
[Grytpype-Thynne]
Shut up.
[Moriarty]
Shut up, Eccles.
[Eccles]
But I didn…
[Seagoon]
Shut up, Eccles.
[Bluebottle]
Shut up, Eccles.
[Eccles]
Shut up.
[Seagoon]
Shut up.
[Bloodnok]
Shut up.
[Seagoon]
What are you doing here, Major?
[Bloodnok]
Helping Willum.
[Seagoon]
Where? What?
[Willum]
Up ‘ere, mate.
[Seagoon]
Come out of that drainpipe at once, if not twice.
[Willum]
Just doing me job, mate.
[Lady Porth]
Will you shut up? THIS IS OUR PLAY!
[Bloodnok]
I say we’ll fight you for it. Forward lads. Attack!
[The Goons]
CHARGE!
[The Porths and guests]
CHARGE!
[Bluebottle]
Charge eeeeeeeeeee!
[Seagoon]
Kerblam! Wallop! Thud!
[Frenchy]
Wham! Blam! Kelud! Blum!
[Thynne]
Swish! Swish! Boom!
[Lord Porth]
Whack! Hic! Biff!
[Min and Crun]
Oooohh owwww oowoow!
[Eccles]
Take that!
[Nurc]
Oh ta.
[Eccles]
And this. Blam!
[Bluebottle]
Biff Biff Biff
[Eccles]
Ow Ow Ow
[Winifred]
Oooo Oooo Eeeee
[Story]
Battle gets louder, then dies down.
[P.C. Flatfeet]
‘Ere, sir, this is where that disturbance was coming from.
[D.I. Nosey]
Thank you. ‘Ave you all got your guns? Right, forward men, and you policewoman Conk.
[Conk]
Ooo thank you.
[Nosey]
Roit then. Wot’s bin going on here then?….. I say, what are those people doing on the floor?
[Butler]
The carpets are at the cleaners.
[Nosey]
Oh I see. Anyway, Oi came about a disturbance.
[Butler]
Yes, um, the Porthesqueues were ‘aving a party.
[Lanky Lanc]
‘Ere, Oi saw what t’ disturbance were abart. It were a fight.
[Butler]
Lanky Lanc! I thought I’d bricked you up for good.
[Lanky]
No way mate. Oi ‘ad chewed a breaving space in t’ bricks and kept meself aloive by chewing on t’ bricks. Ar, it were painful on me teeth, but Oi survived, didn’t Oi, and I’ve seen all of what you’ve bin doin’ these past 13 years. ‘E’s an escaped prisoner, I tell ‘e officer, ar ‘e be that.
[Butler]
I’ll get you someday Lanky Lanc. Oh ah yes I will.
[Nosey]
No yer won’t mate, cos you’re going t’jail for 100 years and per’aps a bit longer. Oh er, Flatfeet, tidy those people away, they make the place look untidy.
T’ END
Main Characters
Ling Long Su ….. Eyak Nosbig
Texas Teddy ….. Kram Nosbig
Willum ….. K
Lady Porthesqueue ….. E
Lord Porthesqueue ….. K
Nurc Puronisuck Louise ….. E
Frenchy ….. K
Nancy ….. E
Winifred ….. E
Detective Inspector Nosey ….. K
Policewoman Conk ….. E
Ah So Fling ….. K
Charlie Porthesqueue ….. K
The Maid Matilda ….. E
The Cook Clara ….. E
The Butler Brian ….. K
P.C. Flatfeet ….. K
Lanky Lanc ….. K
(c) M. Robert Gibson and Kaye L. Gibson
First written 1975 or 1976 because of the different languages learned at school.
A Random Offering
My eyes flicked open. Looking around the unfamiliar room, I asked the obligatory “Where am I?”
“You’re safe.”
I turned to the speaker and recognised Doctor Chawman, then realised that was all I could remember.
What’s my name?
Where was I from?
How old am I?
Who’re my parents?
Am I good?
Evil?
Just who was I?
“Doctor, I think I’m having an identity crisis.”
“Stop worrying,” smiled my creator, “I haven’t installed one yet.”
My entry in the April 2018 75 Word Story Challenge at SFFChronicles
Theme: Identity
Genre: Open
It didn’t get any votes: POLL — April 2018 75-word Writing Challenge
M. Robert Gibson 